The 7 Stages of The Highly Effective Hipster

or How My New Year’s Resolution to be More Chill is Working Out

I am not a Millennial. This can be proven by my age.

I am not really a hipster. This can be proven by the fact that although my avatar has big glasses, I do not.

I am not a purveyor of pop culture. This can be proven by the fact that I do not know what language such people speak.

Nonetheless, in pursuit of cool and in pursuit of hipsterdom and in pursuit of my goal to be more chill, I found myself this week in a sensory deprivation tank – a float tank.

You who are cool and hip – have you done this yet? As I found myself floating naked in complete darkness in a highly concentrated salt water solution, I thought…

Well now. Look at me!

Yes, I was proud of myself, but before I attained that state of high consciousness, I had to go through the 7 stages of development.

Stage 1 – What Have I Got Myself Into Now?

In this stage I stared at the inside of the pitch black float tank and tried to see where the water was and where the walls were, where any grab bars might be, and most importantly, where the door handle was. In actuality, I saw very little.

Stage 2 – How Do I Get Into This Crazy Thing Without Breaking a Bone?

Well in the end, after imitating the movements of an infirm 90 year old, I just plopped down clumsily in the water before I could break anything.

Stage 3 – I Hope This Doesn’t Turn My Expensively Highlighted Hair Green.

Well, I’ve come this far. The hell with it.

Stage 4 – What Happens If All This Salt Water Gets Into My Ear Canal?

Well, if it causes me to be deaf, at least I won’t hear myself constantly muttering all this scaredy-cat stuff.

Stage 5 – Finally, Just Relax Into the Water

Aha! Well here I am relaxed into the water! My face is still above the water line so, phew! I can breathe just fine!

Stage 6 – Why is Darth Vader Here?

Now all I can hear is my breathing and it sounds like Darth Vader! What is this about? I can also hear my heart beating and my stomach gurgling! Whoa. This is kinda cool!

Stage 7 - Now What?

I think I am supposed to meditate or just think of nothing. Ok Darth Vader, it’s just you and I now. Let’s try to think of a mantra. Well… ok then, let’s try not to think at all.  Ok, then, let’s you and I, Darth, just accept the fact that I have become a hipster as I float here in the dark water tank. I am very cool and very chill.

And somehow, I have gained some modicum of confidence that I will figure out where the door is and how I can stand up again when the time comes.

Stage 7A – Fall-Back Position

Bang! Bang! Bang! Get me out of here! Help! I can’t find the door handle! Help!!

Stage 7B – Oh. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Here’s the door. No problem. Sorry to bother anyone. No worries. Haha.

I hereby proclaim myself chill.